Why of why...

... must I sabotage myself????

I am trying to figure out why it is that I feel it is necessary to stuff my face today. I can somewhat understand last night, feeling the stress of a doctor's appointment with Joshua and the guilt the nurse made me feel for DARING to not want to give him the Chickenpox vaccine. But it was not last night when I ate... last night I decided I was not that hungry so had soup and some crackers for dinner! But what is my excuse today? Why did I feel it necessary to buy that chocolate croissant from the coffee shop? Why did I decide to indulge on the cookie at lunch time?

Obviously, I still have a lot to work on and this is NOT going to be an easy journey...

Sigh!

day 2 of week 2

Re diet & journaling: So far so good.

Joshua is feeling better today and this makes me feel better. Unfortunately, he will not be feeling so hot after receiving his (very late) 15 month shots this afternoon... but I will aim to be brave so he is brave too.

I am trying to think of something I can reward him with for being a brave boy instead of shoving a cookie in his mouth... maybe we will go to Chapters instead and get him a nice new book to enjoy?

I am trying to instill the good food skills I am currently learning about into Joshua's life early on so he does not grow up thinking the best way to reward himself is through a yummy treat... If only I could get that through MY thick skull, this weight loss thing would be oh-so-much easier!

Congrats to Penny on your victory on the scales yesterday!

The thing I noticed at RPC was the fact that there were really not many opportunities to snack between meals. There are so many different things to do that you don't find yourself trying to keep those hands busy. And, if you want to snack, you have to bring your own (or buy it from the tuck shop). I think this is great as it makes it so you are able to indulge (just a little bit) during those meals since there really are only 3 of them (unlike when the food or access to somewhere for food is essentially available at all times when you are at home). Keep up the good work!

Have a good day.
J

New week's challenge

I managed to journal 6 out of 7 days this week, and I am hoping to succeed in getting all 7 days this time!

Challenges that lie ahead include my nephew's 1st birthday on Sunday. My brother's family is planning a BBQ to celebrate Ben's birthday, which means lots of temptations including snacks, beer and, most importantly, cake! I am hoping to keep my hands busy with Joshua instead of having them stay busy with snacking...

Challenge # 2 will be camping with my friend Holly overnight on Sunday and then an agility trial on Monday (the civic holiday). My aim is to plan ahead on this one. I will certainly be more active during the day, but being outside in the nice weather tends not to be a good thing for me when it comes to eating. Especially when I have less options around! I plan on making a list of things to bring along with me and then "forgetting" my debit card at home so as to lower my chances of buying snacks at the trial.

Joshua is sick and Mark has had to take the afternoon off to take care of him. Ever since finding out he is sick and I am at work, I have felt the urge to eat and I am trying to figure out why. I guess stressful times where things are out of my hands (no mater how competent the person is who IS in control) make me want to eat. Is it a way I feel "in control"? How can something that essentially makes me LOSE control give me comfort? Things for me to think about, I suppose.

What a fine day...

I'm down 3 today! (Yay!)

Tuesday

The day of acceptance is upon me. My weigh in is today at lunch and I am a bit anxious to see if there were any results. last night, I managed a night free of snacking! This is a HUGE accomplishment coming from "she-who-loves-to-snack" and I am very proud of myself.

In response to my mother's post, what did I learn? Well, I learned that I yearn for structure - the kind of structure I have when I am in one place all day (like at work, at my desk). It is a lot easier to see the journal that is right in front of me if it is always there instead of having it in my purse and having to take it out all the time to write things... I suppose this was already knows, so I was just reminded of this fact.

I am not too sure how to get over this - perhaps I will bring it up in my meeting today and see whether anyone has any suggestions. I find it EXTRA difficult because I would much rather play with the boy(s) than take the time to write down everything that goes in my mouth.

Anyhow, will keep you updated on how the day goes.

Penny, how did your meeting go?

Monday

I have to say, I got a bit distracted over the weekend. I did not cheat, but I also did not track. I am a bit disappointed in myself for not sticking to my plan; but am trying to stay optimistic that I did not stray in the type of foods nor did I stray in the portions (Penny and I even split a meal at a restaurant because we both figured it would be too large for either one of us alone - we even replaced the potato for salad!) so it could have been a HECK of a lot worse than it was. I still plan on trying to journal yesterday's meals while I still remember them but I am afraid Saturday is too far in the past to re-track now. 5 out of 6 days is still good, right? Progress?????

We will be told the truth tomorrow at the scales.
J

TGIFriday

Friday has come and gone and I am doing pretty good on my 7 day challenge. I finished up the day on an even note and the doctor's appointment went better that I expected. As expected, I found myself 2 pounds heavier on their scale; but as my mother so wisely stated in her comment, I am trying not to worry so much about the numbers and instead how I am feeling about myself.

Today was a good day. I went out to lunch with some colleagues, but found myself able to chose wisely and NOT finish everything on my plate. I chose a salad instead of fries, and only ate one half of the bun; eating the chicken sandwich in an open face style instead of the burger it was supposed to be. And, I went back to dipping my fork into the dressing instead of dumping the dressing on. I was amazed at all the extra dressing there was in the end.

All in all, more positives than negatives for sure this week! I am motivated to keep this up through the weekend.

Have a good night,
J

Thursday

So, that cookie yesterday... well, it made it so I ended the day 5 points into my weekly flex allowance. I guess this is the benefit of having those flex points. They are there for those "gotta have it" moments when you find yourself saying yes to that yummy treat when you know you probably should not.

Anyhow, I did finish the day by getting EVERYTHING written down and have done so today as well. Day 1 Mission accomplished, Day 2, half way there!

I have a doctor's appointment tonight which I am really not looking forward to. First of all, I know it will include a scale (which is ALWAYS 2 pounds heavier, btw); second of all, because I am really not sure what her definition will be to success. Have I lost weight since I last saw her? Yes - but first I gained, THEN I lost, so if I am lucky, I sustained.... BUT, I am a couple weeks into this new outlook and this new blog and still optimistic that this will help things work. Accountability is key for me - and I am talking weekly (and daily when it comes to this blog) accountability - not "an appointment every 2 months for a follow-up" accountability. Let's hope she sees it as good that I am still brainstorming and not giving up completely!

Wish me luck!
J

Wednesday

So far so good. I have managed to get that tracker out and keep it nearby and have happily written down everything I have eaten so far. I EVEN managed to write down that half a molasses cookie from Starbucks that I just could not pass by while getting my tall fat free sugar free vanilla steamer (a great way to get that dairy in for those who struggle with that sort of thing).

Than cookie hurt btw - I really should have checked their website BEFORE buying it as although it was darned good; I am not too sure half of it is worth 4.5 points (yikes!)!

Anyhow, half a day down, 6.5 to go!
J

goal achieved

I happily stayed the same. And this week, I have given myself the challenge to journal for 7 days straight. This includes posting a blog each day too - so give me a nudge if you don't see an update!

TTYL,

J

surviving the weekend

So, for some reason, I guess I clicked on the "save" button on Friday instead of the "post" button for my chocolate rant... anyhow, those of you reading will have a bunch to read today...

I survived the weekend with relative ease though I was a little less than "good". The positive thing about going to a family camp for a couple days is that there are set eating times and not too many opportunities to snack - so the good thing is my snacking was significantly decreased and my activity was significantly increased (with lots of walking often with a 27 lbs toddler on my hip, swimming and kayaking to be had). When we arrived back at our motel for Joshua's bedtime, Mark and I spent our evening sitting outside, enjoying a cold beer, the wonderful breeze and a good book before heading inside for bedtime.

So, we shall see what the results are like today at lunchtime. I have decided I would be VERY happy with staying the same this week considering all the tough meals I had to deal with (pizza and cake for a 2 year old's birthday party - oh my! Thank goodness for a nice big veggie salad for supper!)

'Will keep you posted,
J

Chocolate cravings

Time for a bit of a rant...

Why is it that ever since after my pregnancy with Joshua, I NOW have to deal with PMS and cravings. Now, this is not to say I was a perfect angel in preparation for that monthly visitor beforehand, but I certainly was not the emotionally-charged wacko I am now - and even if I did have an especially difficult month, it certainly did not last for a whole week! I think someone is getting back at me for actually NOT enjoying the taste of anything chocolate (unless it was white) throughout my pregnancy...

Anyways, that is my story, and I am sticking to it!

So, I think I may need to try out Roni's recipe for chocolate kettle corn tonight as a snack. I will let you know if it succeeds in taming the cravings.

Thanks to Vicki and Penny for the wonderful words of support - as usual, they mean a lot!

J

"beeeee gooooooood"

For some reason, I was thinking of that famous quote from E.T. when his finger glows and he tells Elliott to be good. And, I am listening to him in terms of my diet today. ;-)

I met a friend for lunch today and decided to chose Subway as a good option for healthy lunch possibilities. You can't beat a yummy 6 point turkey sub loaded with tons of veggies! mmmm good! I still felt a bit peckish when I returned to the office but thankfully had some left over carrots and snow peas that seemed to do the trick. You GOTTA love the summer months and fresh produce.

So, this is my journal so far today:

breaky

1 toasted WW. english muffin with fat free cream cheese (-3)

coffee with sweetner and a "blirp" of skimmed milk (0)

snack

coffee with sweetner and a "blirp" of skimmed milk (half decaf) (0)

lunch

6 inch turkey Subway sub on honey oat (toasted with no cheese)

lettuce, tomato, red onion, pickles, cucumber, hot pepper and a squirt of mayo (-6)

veggie soup (-1)

4 saltines (-1)

snow peas and carrots (0)

water

1 lindor white chocolate ball (-1)

This leaves me with 15 points for this afternoon and tonight - not bad!

Gotta go drink some more water though as I have to replace the coffee from this morning!

J

ps. I think it is so cool that Roni posted a comment on my blog from Monday! Roni, you are an inspiration and your blog means so much to me! I use your success (with a seemingly active toddler of your own) as a beacon for my journey. Thanks!

Happy with a gain

Well, I must say I was expecting a lot worse. I went to weigh in today and found I have gained a pound; but I will certainly take that pound instead of what could have been a lot worse! All in all, I am proud that it was not "that much worse" and happy that I found the courage to get back on that scale at lunch today and brave the results. Yay me!

Becasue it was a gaining week (or technically 2 weeks), I will probably be less "cheating" tonight and instead relish in the fact that one pound is a pretty small chunk of flesh ;-)

Have a good day everyone,
J

inspiring quote of the day

This is one I blatantly stole from the Roni site...

"People don’t succeed because they give up what they want the most

for what they want right now."

Boy, is that one ever bang on!

One to remember as I begin my week on the right foot. Back at work; back on track.

So, if I look back at the attached quote, it seems quite appropriate for my last week (why could this not have been posted a week earlier?).

After my fess up last Thursday, I still did not find it in me to stop sabotaging myself. I think I was in a place where I was "not ready" yet. I have always been a believer that you won't succeed until you are ready to succeed. And I don't think I was ready to succeed last week. Instead, I chose to "trudge through" my other battles - the kitchen renos (that are FINALLY finished!!!!); the summer colds being suffered by my son, my husband AND myself and my home being turned upside down. Yes, these are all excuses, but the important thing is that they were only temporary.

Every day is also a learning experience; making me stronger and wiser than I was the day before.

until tomorrow,

J

vay-cay

I promised my mother another post so here I am.

Being on vacation with "the boys" has been a bit tough for me this week. I have to say, I have not indulged as much as I could have (or would have if not for this blog), but I also must fess up to NOT having been to a meeting this week and not having journaled either. I think this teaches me that Joshua is not the only one in the family who seems to strive on structure and routine. Going to work, having a set lunch hour and two 15 minute breaks (which are rarely used) is good for me. Being 2 blocks away from a daily ww meeting each and every lunch hour is good for me. Not having the temptation of a fridge filled with whatever or a grocery store within walking distance is DEFINITELY good for me. So, lucky for me, the vacation is only a few more days and then my structure and routine will return.

If there is anything that my many years of weight watchers have taught me; it is that we all have slip ups. And if my slip up is just that I manage to stay the same weight; I am lucky. If it means I gain some of the weight back; then it means I learn from the process and get back on that wagon that same day.

In the meantime, I will openly state my goal of starting my journaling again as of today.

Hope you are all enjoying the sunny mornings!
J

Feeling fat

So a question was asked of the readers of the weight loss blog I read (see the link on the left hand side). When do you feel fat? Well, I have been struggling with my answer to that question for the past week. Often, unless I feel slender when I look at myself in the mirror (which generally starts to happen around 10 or 15 pounds away from goal), I can say I feel fat. It has never been about a number on a scale for me; mostly because I accept the fact that my number have always, and will always, be a bit higher than others the same height as me, because of having a muscular build very early in life (I can blame my love of riding, for that).

What I have been struggling with is how to get past that. How to learn to love myself no matter WHAT I see in the mirror. Can I ever get past that "fat" girl in the mirror? Will I ever see the stretch marks as my battle scars - something I can be strangely proud of? Something to think about, I guess.

In response to my mother's question on my last post about my "treat nights" - no, there is no set amount of points I have given myself for these days. I will continue to journal my breakfast, snack and lunch but stop after my WW meeting. This means I have a free night. I don't generally go all out - but may have shawarmas for dinner (for example)... something that I would not want to KNOW the points off because I know it is not a good choice - but I also know that as of the next day, my slate is clean and I am back to day 1 of my weight watching week. This is what seems to work for me - may not work for others - but I also figure GENERALLY I don't use my
flex points; nor do I EVER count activity points - so the way I see it, I am kinda just using up my surplus.

Tomorrow will be a tough one - with a family reunion to attend - but lucky for me both Vicki and Penny will be there with me so we (Penny and I) can keep each other "in check".

Have a good one,
J