Responses and soul-searching

So, this is my response to the "Question of the Week" on the Roni's Weight site.

Can I let it go? Boy, this one is a really tough one...

I can really relate to this post. I certainly was the 15 year old Roni speaks of in her post. Always wanting to be skinnier, never happy with how she looked, always letting the numbers on the scale be the decision factor to whether I was fat or not (and btw - the answer was NEVER not). I am not sure where this body consciousness came from because I do not have any memory of either of my parents being weigh conscious.

Now, I DO have a lot of memories of some of my friends being conscious... I was the "largest" of the 4 girls all in the same age bracket on our street... but, I was also probably the most active of the four. Because of this, I grew up very aware of the size of my horse-back-riding legs... and I hated that they were muscular instead of pencil thin like all the others (To this day, I have never been able to fit into a pair of those tall dress boots because of the size of my calves!).

All this to say, numbers have ALWAYS been my downfall. I CAN NOT get past seeing a number like 160 and being happy with how I look because that number is ALWAYS going to "seem" high for a girl who is 5.6". According to WW, a "healthy" weight range for a woman my age and height is 124-148 lbs.

MY question is how am I supposed to let go of my conceptions of a healthy body when I am following a program which bases so much of being successful with the numbers on the scale?

Roni speaks about how having her little boy turned on a switch for her - that she decided he needed a positive role model that loved herself as much as he loved her. Joshua means the world to me and I WANT to be that wonderful role model he deserves. If he DOES inherit my "muscular" gene, I don't EVER want him to feel "big" because of it.

Geesh, who needs a therapist when you read Roni's web site? ;-)
J