Almost

I had a 10k planned out for the weekend.

Initially, I was supposed to run it on Saturday. When that didn't happen, I made a plan to run Sunday morning, with a friend, but then she couldn't make it either. That was my "next" reason not to run. But I told Mark about the run and made myself accountable. I was going to run no mater what.

I've been offered to run in a collegue's place during a 10k night race in 2 weekends. If I do that (and I have officially told her I would like to), I NEED to be able to run a 10k on my own. I knew I needed to run a solo 10k before the race to boost my confidence and to prove to myself that I am able to do it without someone pushing me along for the last few kilometers.

So, once we got the kids into their p.j.s, I changed into my running gear, not letting myself cop out at the last minute.

I refreshed my route so that it was a "safer" route - knowing full well that if I was only leaving at 7:30pm, I may not get back before sometime closer to 9pm, when I would be much more comfortable running out in the open and a bit closer to some higher traffic areas.

I started off in my usual way, losening the kinks and getting a feel for how my run would be during the next 10k.

By the end of the 2nd km, I was feeling good. The weather was nice - cooler than it had been and a beautiful evening for a run. I felt strong and my pace was good while I estimated my distances by following the map I had made in my head.

I had deliberately made the route somewhat rectangular - knowing that if I found myself struggling, not only was there a lot of ways to shorten the run, if need be, but I could (and did) use the incentive of "the next turn" as a finish line and break my run into 4 smaller ones if need be.

By the time I arrived at my 2nd big turn, I had a kink in my waist that disapeared (magically) as quickly as it had appeared and I started on the self-talk. I would tell myself, "if you can only get to (fill in the next major intersection), then you can reivaluate and see if you need to walk" and repeat that to myself every time I arrived to the previous intersection.

My friend April had given me a couple of different energy tablets made by Arbornne which are supposed to be used as a way to give your body an extra boost of energy for when you are running longer distances. I decided to try one of them out on Sunday to see if it made any difference.

I can't say for sure whether or not it was only the placebo effect, but I did feel a difference. I mixed my tab with my regular water and it made it taste like a really strong crystal light. The only downfall was that I found myself drinking more often than I would it I were only drinking water so I needed to pace my drinking so that I wouldn't run out at, say, km #8 or something. I will say, my legs felt a lot more "fresh" than they have in the past when running longer distances. And although the run was still difficult, it was more mentally draining than physically.

And then, for some reason, I gave myself an out.

When I turned into my neighbourhood, I knew that I had mapped the run to continue on to end at the other end of my road. My road forms a bit of an L shape and if I were to have gone to the other end, it would have made my run completed at 10.22k. But instead, I let my mentality get the worst of me and accepted the excuses.

It was getting late and I didn't want to be up all night.

My phone battery was only at 5% and I didn't want to run without the emergency tool of a phone, or, more importantly, my music during that oh-so-pivotal last kilometer.

I had done a darned good job getting to where I was anyways so that was good enough for that night.

Whichever excuse I decided to use, I stopped short of my goal and went home.

I asked Mark to bring me a beer (oh my GOD that beer was good!) and headed to the bath for a cool soak.

And then I mapped out what I had run.

And I was all of the sudden hit with a wave of negative talk. Things like: "you dork... why in the world did you give up there? You ONLY had 800 meters to go!!! - Even at your slowest, that is something around 7 minutes at the very most... Like you didn't have it in you to get that done! You failed. AGAIN"

But you know what the best achievement is?

I ignored my inner critic and said, "screw that! I'm proud of this - I went out and ran ALONE for 9.2km. GOOD FOR YOU. YEAH you coulda done that extra 800 meters, but it is COMPLETELY OK that you didn't. You still went out and ran for 1:15, which, btw, is more than 3 minutes faster than the last time you ran 9k... AND you did it ALL ON YOUR OWN."

That, is something I am proud of.