(not so) bad girl...

It feels like it has been ages since I have blogged on this site. I know it HAS been too long (maybe not ages, but we are going on 2 weeks!).

I could start rattling off excuses (really busy week, ridiculous weekend, head cold from hell x2; for Joshua and I...) but I have decided not to. I am going to "forgive myself", forget what is in the past and start a new page. Nothing will come of me beating myself up for what is done already. I think I (finally) realise that to achieve what I hope to achieve, I must stay focused on the positive and not the negative. I need to start to love myself no matter what I perceive in the mirror (which, let's face it, will ALWAYS be different than what everyone else sees). I am going to try my darnedest to accept myself for WHO I am, and not what I look like.

So, in doing so, I am going to write down some self-affirming statements and invite you all to do the same.

1. I am a LOVING wife with a wonderful, supportive husband
2. I am a GOOD mother who is ensuring she is the best she can be by leading by example and promoting a healthy, safe, open environment for her child
3. I am a SUPPORTIVE friend who does her best to be there whenever a friend is in need
4. I am a STRONG WILLED and DETERMINED woman who does not hesitate to speak her mind
5. I am an ACTIVE person who tries to keep herself fit by doing things with her family instead of spending time in front of the TV (unless, we are staying active with the WII Fit)
6. I am SUCCESSFUL and have used my education by achieving a career which continues to challenge me and that I enjoy.
7. I am a PROUD person - not only proud of herself for achieving so much before the age of 32; but also of all her friends and family.

I think that is a pretty good start, don't you?

This week, I am going to switch my attitude a bit. I don't want to think of my weight loss as for myself; but will now look at it as doing it for my son. A wonderful little boy who DESERVES to grow up with a good, healthy role model when dealing with food.

J

Responses and soul-searching

So, this is my response to the "Question of the Week" on the Roni's Weight site.

Can I let it go? Boy, this one is a really tough one...

I can really relate to this post. I certainly was the 15 year old Roni speaks of in her post. Always wanting to be skinnier, never happy with how she looked, always letting the numbers on the scale be the decision factor to whether I was fat or not (and btw - the answer was NEVER not). I am not sure where this body consciousness came from because I do not have any memory of either of my parents being weigh conscious.

Now, I DO have a lot of memories of some of my friends being conscious... I was the "largest" of the 4 girls all in the same age bracket on our street... but, I was also probably the most active of the four. Because of this, I grew up very aware of the size of my horse-back-riding legs... and I hated that they were muscular instead of pencil thin like all the others (To this day, I have never been able to fit into a pair of those tall dress boots because of the size of my calves!).

All this to say, numbers have ALWAYS been my downfall. I CAN NOT get past seeing a number like 160 and being happy with how I look because that number is ALWAYS going to "seem" high for a girl who is 5.6". According to WW, a "healthy" weight range for a woman my age and height is 124-148 lbs.

MY question is how am I supposed to let go of my conceptions of a healthy body when I am following a program which bases so much of being successful with the numbers on the scale?

Roni speaks about how having her little boy turned on a switch for her - that she decided he needed a positive role model that loved herself as much as he loved her. Joshua means the world to me and I WANT to be that wonderful role model he deserves. If he DOES inherit my "muscular" gene, I don't EVER want him to feel "big" because of it.

Geesh, who needs a therapist when you read Roni's web site? ;-)
J